woahbabyitsbecca00's Xanga

[poop]

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 22:35:09 GMT

mood: confused.

so today..i just feel like poop...or just "blah"..
hard to explain...cause i have a lot of energy, but i still feel like crap.
hah. it's a weird mix, that's for sure.

i'm FINALLY home from practice...took the long way home..didn't wanna come back. =]
i'm SO tired of practicing the same stuff over and over again..but gotta do it again tomorrow..ugh. all day.
oh well. guess that's just part of it..we got a lot of our vocal stuff perfected..so that's good.
but we leave for competition on tuesdayyyyyyyyy...yessss...so happy to leave. lol.
but yeah.

i'm not really in a talkative or typing mood.
so i'm gonna go clean my room. yay.
it sure as heck needs it. lol.
[b]

[been a few days...]

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 21:59:40 GMT

mood: whatever

it's been a few days since all of that happened...
it's been hard...but nothing i can't get through.
my friends have really helped the most with all of this.
i've started to move on, and i guess that's just for the best.

nothing else really going on right now..
national competition is next week..i'm REALLY ready to go.
ready to get away from this chaotic house for a few days & be with my closest friends.
it's going to be a whole lot of fun this year...i can't wait for tuesday to get here so i can leave =]

tomorrow is a full day for me.
i'm going to leave the house about 10:15 and run by walmart
just to see how much the hairspray soundtrack is =]
and then going to church until 5PM...
yeahhh...lots of practices...
11-1 is puppet team
1-3 is large human video practice
3-5 is worship team practice..
i don't know when i'm getting lunch..i might leave puppet practice early and run by mickey dee's or something.
but then i get to come home..do some chores and hopefully some laundry
and then...i don't know what. haha. soo...yeah. lots to do.
then i'll probably be at church all day sunday for last minute practices...fun stuff.

um.
last night i went and saw "hairspray" with my friend kristina.
it was AMAZING. we wanted to stay and see it again..it was sooooo good.
i definitely am going to buy it when it comes out..
and i'm of course getting the soundtrack soon, hopefully =]

yeahh..
that's about it.
i'm not really feeling any emotions right now.
excited, but not really...happy, but not really...tired, but not really..
just kind of a little mix of everything i guess...
hard to explain. but i AM doing better.

well.
i'm going now.
[b]

[wow.]

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:01:00 GMT

mood: extremely disappointed.

now i know why i've been so sick at my stomach the past three days.
long story. not going to elaborate.
just know that brian is like every other guy.
seems like i'll never find "THE ONE"
not if they keep turning out like this.
i thought he was perfect for me.
i thought god put him in my life for something.
i thought he cared about me.

yeah.
i think a lot of things.
apparently most of it's not true.
[b]

[having to look over my shoulder...]

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 23:31:31 GMT

mood: worried.

i hate when something happens...and it leaves you in a constant worry
thinking about what's going to happen next, and when it's going to happen.

seems like a lot of that's been happening lately..and it's getting on my nerves.
almost like i have to look over my shoulder every 5 seconds.
you know like, when you're at home alone...and you can SWEAR that you hear someone behind you
and you turn around and no one's there...i've felt that way spritually here lately.
and i feel like my every single move is being watched..and i'm being followed.
i honestly think it's just the devil messing with my head...but it's like they're waiting to attack
when i get to my weak point. before a few weeks ago when our youth group was getting
into the holy spirit and having amazing services, it was like i was just going through a motion
i was "playing" church as some like to call it...and i was slipping into my old habits.
it's just that whatever this thing is...it's just waiting for me to fall again.

i don't know.
it's just bothering me right now..
i've tried to pray it off...but it's still there. it's hard to explain.

--------------------

but in other news today..brian's last day at camp is today...so maybe i'll be getting a call soon =]
i've missed him a lot...i just hope my car situation works out so i can go see him in chatt town.
i really need a car right now. it would help me out a lot around here. i hate having to rely on others
to get me from place to place when it's inconvenient for my parents too.
i don't like having to ask people and keep reminding them over and over that i am, in fact, car-less.
oh well..i'm trusting that god's got it all under control.

haha. i never realized how random my posts were.
but i guess they've always been this way.
i guess i'm done for now.
[b]

[excited]

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:43:44 GMT

mood: excited.

today...i'm just thinking about everything that's about to happen soon.
and it makes me really excited...i can't wait..
it's about 10 days before i go to national fine arts for the first time in two years.
i really missed it last year, but i know that i'll make up for it this year. =]

and of course, the whole brian situation...
i just know that he's the person i'm supposed to be dating right now..
and that's weird, because i've never felt half of these emotions before.
i actually know that he cares about me, and when he says that i'm beautiful,
i actually feel that i am...which is crazy, because i never have.
i still get those butterflies when he texts me and his name shows up.
and i still sit there in disbelief when he makes me smile.
it still all seems like a dream...that i never want to wake up from.
i'm definitely ready for him to be home so i can hear his voice again.
and i'm more than ready to see him in person again...
i've been waiting for his hug..and to see that smile again...i really am.
and it's really hard to explain, but everything about him just lines up with
everything i look for in a guy...even down to the retarded stuff.
and while it scares me, it also makes me wonder about some other things..
i'm sooooo excited to see what happens with that. haha.

haha. anyways. i could go on FOREVER about him. trust me.

another thing i've been really excited about is in our youth group.
the past 4 or 5 services have been AMAZING. like, seriously.
it seems like it's only getting better and better everytime i step foot in that room.
we're all so on-fire for god, and i'm ready to see what he's going to do in us.
i'm ready to start ministering to other people..and i'm ready to see the group grow.
it's grown a lot in just the past two years that i've been there, but i have a feeling
that we're going to have so many youth in there that we won't know what to do with them.
ahhhhh. but yeah. god's been dealing with me a lot in some different areas
and i've become closer to him in the process. i'm really just extremely excited about it all.
i'm ready to move on to even more amazing things...and i know it's going to happen.

but yeah...i guess that's about all for now.
i'm just excited. haha.
and i don't know what to do with myself.
[b]

[i've got a lot on my mind today...]

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:21:15 GMT

mood: reflective.

it seems like forever since i've had a xanga.
i think i ended up deleting like the 14 that i had. =]
but, a lot has changed since then.
it's been a couple years...and i feel like i'm a completely different person in a completely different life.
almost like i was never there.

my whole personality has changed, i've got new friends..
i'm in a new environment, and i've basically...grown up.
it seems really weird to me that i could change so much in just a year or two.
but all is well in my life right now...

losing my aunt was pretty hard this month, but it already seems like a year ago.
i guess i try to block it all out sometimes...pretending it never happened.
and for me, that's the best thing...cause i tend to dwell on things for too long...
and that only makes things worse.
i know that she's in heaven waiting on me, but i know that the upcoming holidays are going to be hard
not seeing her smile when i walk in the door...and her giving me a hug...
it just won't ever be the same again...but i know that she'll be watching.
i miss her a lot...but i'll see her soon.

it's also been 2 years since i've been a member at FWC.
only seems like a month ago since i was running overhead every week in youth group.
talking to my friends that i thought i'd never lose touch with.
now, i hardly even hear from them...and while that makes me sad,
i'm glad that i've been able to move on...i'm a different person now.
it was a really hard transition, but i feel like i'm supposed to be at this church.
god's doing some amazing things in the youth group and i can't wait to see them.
i now have some best friends in this church...which i thought would never happen.
i feel loved at turning point, and i know that we're a true family...
i don't think i ever felt that as much as i do here..i love them.

and now, i'm going to be a junior in high school. which is crazy.
when i started 8th grade in public school, i never thought i'd make it this far...
but i have, and i've realized that i'm almost done with high school....in no time.
yeah, it scares me sometimes knowing that my teenage years are running out fast
and that i'll have to grow up soon...but i can't spend too much time worrying cause i'll
completely miss out on these years...i'm just not ready to grow up yet.
i still have a lot left to do, with not much time at all..but i'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.
then, i'll be heading off to college soon...and i'm still not even sure i know exactly what i want to do.
i've always loved special education and photography...but i'm trying to find a way where i can
tie it all together...and do something i'll love doing.
i've got some ideas, i just want to think them all the way out before i go in head-first.
but i've got two years to figure it all out...i'm sure i will sometime.

okay...so, last subject on my mind right now...dating...relationships...what to do?
i've been letting my past relationship in the way of the new ones that i want to happen...
he caused me to doubt guys...to question their every motive...and i wish i didn't.
i want to be able to trust him no matter what..and not have to worry about it..
but i guess every girl goes through that with a guy...i think i just do it a lot more.
i honestly do trust him a lot, it's just that sometimes i don't know what to do with myself
when he doesn't text me for two days straight...maybe i'm just paranoid.
but, i'm really ready for him to be home, so maybe we can get to know each other better.
i really want "us" to work out, but i don't want to push it so hard it pushes him away.
i miss him a lot, and i can only hope he thinks about me as much as i think about him.
but there's still all those old feelings inside of me from when i was hurt last
after he promised he would never hurt me...i never thought my first relationship would fail so badly.
i guess i was just really unrealistic about it all. i always had a dream that the first guy i dated
would be the one i fell in love with and married...but he wasn't. he was the complete opposite of
what i wanted to be married to. but i'm glad i found out ahead of time before i was hurt even worse.
how do i know that the new guy won't do that same thing to me again?
how do i know that he'll always be there for me, and will never say anything hurtful like that?
i don't. and that bothers me. sometimes, my controlling side comes out and i want to be assured
that nothing will ever happen to me...but no one has that kind of control over their own lives.
and if they do, they're truly not living....life is about getting hurt, but getting back up and moving on.
i just haven't mastered that concept yet.
i guess this is when my chronic worrying comes into play.
i'm just trying not to get too attached yet...until i KNOW it's the right thing for me.

i'm trusting you, god, with everything. and i know that it will all work out somehow.
i'm off for now..after ranting a buttload...i just had to get it all out.

[b]