Thursday, 26 July 2007

• Currently Listening Five Score and Seven Years Ago By Relient K the best thing see related

  [i've got a lot on my mind today...]

  mood: reflective.
  
  it seems like forever since i've had a xanga.
  i think i ended up deleting like the 14 that i had. =]
  but, a lot has changed since then.
  it's been a couple years...and i feel like i'm a completely different person in a completely different life.
  almost like i was never there.
  
  my whole personality has changed, i've got new friends..
  i'm in a new environment, and i've basically...grown up.
  it seems really weird to me that i could change so much in just a year or two.
  but all is well in my life right now...
  
  losing my aunt was pretty hard this month, but it already seems like a year ago.
  i guess i try to block it all out sometimes...pretending it never happened.
  and for me, that's the best thing...cause i tend to dwell on things for too long...
  and that only makes things worse.
  i know that she's in heaven waiting on me, but i know that the upcoming holidays are going to be hard
  not seeing her smile when i walk in the door...and her giving me a hug...
  it just won't ever be the same again...but i know that she'll be watching.
  i miss her a lot...but i'll see her soon.
  
  it's also been 2 years since i've been a member at FWC.
  only seems like a month ago since i was running overhead every week in youth group.
  talking to my friends that i thought i'd never lose touch with.
  now, i hardly even hear from them...and while that makes me sad,
  i'm glad that i've been able to move on...i'm a different person now.
  it was a really hard transition, but i feel like i'm supposed to be at this church.
  god's doing some amazing things in the youth group and i can't wait to see them.
  i now have some best friends in this church...which i thought would never happen.
  i feel loved at turning point, and i know that we're a true family...
  i don't think i ever felt that as much as i do here..i love them.
  
  and now, i'm going to be a junior in high school. which is crazy.
  when i started 8th grade in public school, i never thought i'd make it this far...
  but i have, and i've realized that i'm almost done with high school....in no time.
  yeah, it scares me sometimes knowing that my teenage years are running out fast
  and that i'll have to grow up soon...but i can't spend too much time worrying cause i'll
  completely miss out on these years...i'm just not ready to grow up yet.
  i still have a lot left to do, with not much time at all..but i'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.
  then, i'll be heading off to college soon...and i'm still not even sure i know exactly what i want to do.
  i've always loved special education and photography...but i'm trying to find a way where i can
  tie it all together...and do something i'll love doing.
  i've got some ideas, i just want to think them all the way out before i go in head-first.
  but i've got two years to figure it all out...i'm sure i will sometime.
  
  okay...so, last subject on my mind right now...dating...relationships...what to do?
  i've been letting my past relationship in the way of the new ones that i want to happen...
  he caused me to doubt guys...to question their every motive...and i wish i didn't.
  i want to be able to trust him no matter what..and not have to worry about it..
  but i guess every girl goes through that with a guy...i think i just do it a lot more.
  i honestly do trust him a lot, it's just that sometimes i don't know what to do with myself
  when he doesn't text me for two days straight...maybe i'm just paranoid.
  but, i'm really ready for him to be home, so maybe we can get to know each other better.
  i really want "us" to work out, but i don't want to push it so hard it pushes him away.
  i miss him a lot, and i can only hope he thinks about me as much as i think about him.
  but there's still all those old feelings inside of me from when i was hurt last
  after he promised he would never hurt me...i never thought my first relationship would fail so badly.
  i guess i was just really unrealistic about it all. i always had a dream that the first guy i dated
  would be the one i fell in love with and married...but he wasn't. he was the complete opposite of
  what i wanted to be married to. but i'm glad i found out ahead of time before i was hurt even worse.
  how do i know that the new guy won't do that same thing to me again?
  how do i know that he'll always be there for me, and will never say anything hurtful like that?
  i don't. and that bothers me. sometimes, my controlling side comes out and i want to be assured
  that nothing will ever happen to me...but no one has that kind of control over their own lives.
  and if they do, they're truly not living....life is about getting hurt, but getting back up and moving on.
  i just haven't mastered that concept yet.
  i guess this is when my chronic worrying comes into play.
  i'm just trying not to get too attached yet...until i KNOW it's the right thing for me.
  
  i'm trusting you, god, with everything. and i know that it will all work out somehow.
  i'm off for now..after ranting a buttload...i just had to get it all out.
  
  [b]

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